My Ramblings About Life . . .

There are so many people on this earth . . . 6 billion is the last figure I remember hearing. WOW! I can't even fathom how many people that is. And, here I am one in 6 billion. That is all we are. One in six billion . . . what makes us special? What is our purpose? Do we even have a purpose? I don't know the answer to that question. It seems the older I get, the more death comes into my life - go figure. I guess I should feel lucky that I am even getting older to experience others around me die? That seems so odd to write. So, are we better off living a long life where we deal with the aches and pains and heartaches of aging or living a short life not filled with all that heartache? I don't know the answer to that question either. I often hear that "God has a plan". For those of you who don't know my religious background, I am an athiest. I do not believe in a god or a devil or heaven or hell. I was an athiest before the cancer diagnosis and I remain one after. I think there is no plan. Stuff happens - whether we like it or not. I have cancer because I spent too much time in the sun and in tanning beds. I may die from this because the cells will multiply - not because God wants me here or not. I am able to appreciate the fact that some people need to believe in a higher power, but I am not one of those people. I believe that we make choices that affect our lives, but ultimately, there are things that we cannot control - airplanes falling out of the sky on top of your house, drunk drivers on the road, house fires, etc. And to think that an almighty god has control over these things and lets them happen just baffles me. Why can't people just accept the fact that things happen? Why does there have to be a higher power in control of everything? I know that this revelation about me will probably surprise some people. It's not something that I disclose to just anyone, but it is how I feel. It doesn't change the person that I am. I still love, care, cry, have morals, have ethics. I still teach my children right and wrong and if they choose to believe in a god, that is fine. I will support them in anything they choose.

For the first time today, I did laundry and washed the dishes and was glad that I was even alive to do those chores I hate. I kept thinking of Tara and I bet she would love to be doing those things right now, but she can't. So, maybe I have just answered my own question. Maybe it is better to get older and experience the aches and pain because at least we are still experiencing . .